A.B.U fashion police gets back to you..... by abu fashion police

The delay in posting this piece was clearly not mine as the report was sent in early. Please ask my editor what happened. Here is the honest report: Honestly, we didn’t know what to expect when we heard about the Dynamix Order of Prestige Awards night. Seeing as Dynamix is one of the oldest cliques in ABU and they’re known for always pulling in the crowds, (meat) to our ABU fashion police abattoir *evil laugh*. So we’d like to start by saying we weren’t exactly wowed by the turnout to the D.O.P’s. the entire attendance was just about half of what we’d normally expect from a Dynamix gig. Apparently there was this Engine 3:13 party that was going on at the same time and all the *cough* cheap people decided to skip the awards and start the party early. Sha, we didn’t mind, because there were more than enough hot messes as it was. It was as though, everyone had forgot the phrase, Awards Dinner. Meaning you wear a ‘classy’ dress. Emphasis on classy. And for the dudes, a suit, or at least a button down shirt tucked in. It’s the least you can do, if you are going to pay five thousand naira to sit in a chair for three hours. Most people ignored that little fact and decided to go in on what we like to call ‘fashionistus Zarianis’. First of all I’d like to start with the trio of girls who came in Leopard print dresses. Buahahaha!!! Da FUQ! What won’t we see in this dear school of ours? They came late sef, as in, hot babes. One of them wore a shoulder ‘dress’ with a hemline so short, she would have been better off if she came in a crop top and her underwear. To make matters worse, she then wore a black bra underneath her one armed dress and we could see her friggin underwear out for the general public’s viewing. I have to hand it to her sha, you must be incredibly self confident to walk around with half of your crotch showing. The other two weren’t much better, looking like wild species of Fashionistus Dynamixus out on the prowl. Little did we know, the lion king was missing three cast members. Then there were the bevy of groupies who decided to distinguish themselves by wearing colored contacts lenses, AT NIGHT. And these ones too will open their mouths to call themselves university students. Granted they wore nice dresses, especially a petite one who wore a white dress with pastel colored criss-crossed straps at the back and Washpee with that ass that’d make most girls die of booty envy, but they looked so tacky. Wonder if no one told them, there’s only one profession where it’s perfectly okay to wear contacts lenses at night. Then there was the trio of Charlie’s Angels, one of them, Hadiza or something wore the fugliest pink jacket in human history over an equally fugly grey dress and the most uncomfortable, oversized Ash high heeled booties in the world. With her stringy weave and her waddling, she looked like Barbie having a mid-life crisis. With her was also a short girl who at one time was synonymous with nineties, in the ugliest quartz blue dress we’ve ever seen. Basically, someone cut about two yards of that cheap satin used to make backdrops in Pentecostal churches, sewed an oversized pillowcase with pocket holes and gave her to wear, and as an afterthought, gave her one of those Mercy Johnson waist belts to wear as an accessory, it looked bad enough to put a grown man to tears. And their friend didn’t look nearly as bad they did, but guilty by association and all that. Then there were the fat girls in mini-dresses. Please sistehs, let no man deceive you, fat and mini dresses don’t work, unless you work for Onionbooty.com (if you do, you can wear whatever the hell you want). First there was the winner of most sociable in a mini dress that explained just how sociable she could be. Her breasticles were practically threatening to tear out of the sheer cut of her dress. Then there was the girl in the black and white mini dress whose breasts were practically touching her chin. She looked like someone pumped her boobs and forgot to pull her dress down afterwards. And not to forget Maimuna, our very ‘elevated’ host who was all breast and ass and a massive pot belly. I guess in her haste to host, she forgot to wear some body magic and spare us the trauma. The boys weren’t left out in the bad fashion decisions. There were the boys who were showing more cleavage and booty than the girls sef. Then there were the boys in those ridiculous carrot pants and sporting shaved legs. LOOOL! We won’t say what crossed our minds when we saw them. Some boys went as far as color coding their shoes and belts and bowties like they were still in kindergarten and getting dressed by their mothers. Biko, we know you can differentiate between colors, spare us the unadulterated horror ehn.. Thankfully, it wasn’t all a tragedy. In our opinion the best dressed ladies in Dynamix were first and foremost, the Lady in the creamy yellow Grecian gown with arm straps. LAWD!!! That Dress was perfection, she looked like an elf princess from that lord of the rings movie, all flowing lines and draping, everywhere you looked. We were practically drooling all over the pictures we saw of her, hot damn! Then there was Tolu Playmates, one of our worst dressed from the COCA Awards. Tolu completely wowed us with her British royalty inspired milk mini-dress with black accents and her natural hair. FACK! The girl looked so good, she looked like she just got off a private jet and was driven down to the Dynamix event in a private car. That is how you make a comeback, shit! Tolu was hands down, a knock out beauty at the Awards. Then there was the uber pretty lady in the black dress with lace panelling, how she pulled that off without looking like a less than honourable lady we’ll never know but she was a damn beauty to look at. The guys didn’t disappoint as well. First off was the rapper Kheengz in his stylish red blazer and legend tee and stone wash jeans, exuding that casual cool that we’ve come to expect from fashionable rappers like TinieTempah and Kanye West. Then there was the dude who wore the black blazer, white dress shirt and pants and red bowtie and shoes, we were so-so about all the matchy matchy you tried with your accessories but your style was undeniable, dripping swagoo everywhere. And finally, there was the dude also from the same crew who wore the clean white shirt with the Ankara pocket, and tapered jeans Sketch I think? Whoa! He looked an exact doppelganger of Kele Okereke during his Bloc Party days, the effortless dude who owns a yacht vibe. We see you. Worst dressed female was hands down = Hauwa there’s nothing sexy about a dress that makes you look like you’re struggling to breathe. Give your boobs some air. Damn!!! Worst Dressed Male = the Dude who was looking like a beat down Bruno Mars. First of all he wore the wrong hat for the look he was going for, his pants were so ill-fitting, it was like he sent someone to buy them at bend down select. And then you’re showing your ankles and you mysteriously forget to rub lotion on your legs, walking around looking like the child of harmattan. Dude, please ehn, fear God. Most Provocative female = A tie off between Sexy Virus and the uber curvy chick who wore a similar see through lace mini dress. The only way we could tell them apart was that one work a pink bra and the other wore a red one. But they both gave us ideas, a lot of naughty ideas. Most Provocative Male = Mayor Dynamix. From the sag in his pants and that the laid back swag walk and finally that grind session during the ridiculously dressed Don-B’s performance, you definitely gave more than one girl out there a wet dream. Thanks and we’re out. Kisses. Ps: please check back soon for the pictures.