A.B.U: THE IDIOT’S GUIDE SERIES THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO EATING OUT (PART 1)

There are many ways to classify ABU students and one of my favorites is through food because in ABU, food only has two groups; those who cook and those who eat out. When I use the word “cook” what I really mean is people who’d rather starve than eat a meal outside and those who “eat out” probably can’t recognize a pot if you showed them a picture card. This classification is important because people who cook either can’t abide by the quality of food that passes for average here or generally feel no need for a social life (a pot of beans cooks for like three hours, between the cooking and the reading is there really time for anything else?). If you prefer to cook, please read for general knowledge. If you eat out, and for the occasional time where you don’t feel like lighting a stove (school banned electric cookers) this article is for you. Eating out in ABU is either done inside the school or outside. If you can’t be bothered to take the trek outside school, your options revolve around THE MONOPOLIES and the bistros. The monopolies are Pepsi Garden, the Frizzlers and the cafeterias scattered all across the hostels and the social centre (let’s hypothetically call them Danish). I call these restaurants The MONOPOLIES because there’s no one to favorably compete with them (ABUSRC please look into this, merci). In order of food quality the monopolies will be ranked like this: PEPSI GARDEN( four stars) As far as food goes inside the heavily guarded walls of A.B.U, the Pepsi garden has the best food hands down. They offer servings of waina (popular as a breakfast meal) jollof rice with all kinds of extra ‘toppings’ (for lack of a better word) and Semovita or Pounded yam (better known as swallow). Also they have clean booths/stalls/huts where customers can eat in relative peace and quiet. This makes Pepsi garden date worthy (if you don’t mind sharing with ten other people). And permit me to say that Pepsi Garden has the best salad in the Samaru region (I exaggerate not). That is what’s great about the garden, this is what isn’t. Their staff are so Friggin RUDE!!! They are so rude sometimes I wonder whether we pay for the food we eat there or we beg for it. They play favorites, pick fights with customers and basically pretend they’re doing us a favor by being there (they’re not!). Pepsi lacks variety, plain and simple. It wouldn’t be so bad if the problem was that they didn’t serve different kinds of food. The problem is that even the food they serve tastes EXACTLY the same EVERY SINGLE DAY! A friend of mine always jokes that they probably make their food with a cement mixer or make their food from ‘just add water’ sachets. Sometimes I pray they’d forget to add the salt or something just so I can say the food tastes different. Last but not least, Pepsi can be so overcrowded. If you’re dumb enough to go there during rush hour you might wait for an hour and not even get a bite to eat. So my advice is this, ignore the fact that their food might be factory produced, avoid rush hour and if you must, stick to salads. Average plate of rice + salad + Plantain + Pepsi = N280 FRIZZLERS(three stars) Frizzlers ‘fast food’ is the annex of the bigger and better Frizzlers eatery just a few metres from the flyover bridge so generally you’d think their food would have some level of class. Sadly, that is so far from the truth, their food is horribly bland. Their rice (on most days) tastes like finely garnished sawdust and don’t even get me started on the abomination they sell to people as salad. As in come on, they spread an annoyingly thin layer of lettuce, cabbage and onions over the saw dust rice and finish it with a miserly spoon of mayonnaise. The thing just depresses me whenever I see it. Their omelets look like it was made with half an egg and it’s either their chips and plantains are over fried or semi-raw and the food is always, always cold. If the food was bad but cheap, I wouldn’t complain, after they’re done serving you all that scary food, they’ll look straight in the eye and call one ridiculous price. O.M.G!. Enough of what’s bad about the place, and more of what’s good. If you must eat at Frizzlers, you have to try their fried yam, it’s absolutely palate stimulating. Their liver sauce is the best, (scratch that) the only liver sauce in ABU, they also have chicken, a rarity in this school which is nicely spiced but always cold (it wouldn’t kill you guys to have a microwave handy.) The place looks eccentric enough that it has a good date vibe (guys take note). Finally, there’s this server girl who is always refreshingly honest about how long you have to wait for your food. Average Plate of Fried yam + Liver sauce + Plantain + Coke = N360 DANISH (two stars) Their food is in a nutshell, very disappointing. There is always something wrong there, either there isn’t enough seasoning or the salt is enough to send you to the hospital. Their service is a big joke, most of the servers can’t speak proper English and you have to repeat your order at least thrice before you’re attended to. But if you can ignore the crappy food and the disappointing service, the Danish outlets have the most variety of food. They have the swallows (Eba, Akpu, semovita and pounded yam), all kinds of rice (fried, white, jollof, steam rolled even), waina and all the foodie accessories that make what serves as food in ABU manageable. I’d give them a D for food quality, an F for service and an A for variety. Plus, the food at Danish is reasonably cheap so when your pocket is yawning, head for the nearest hostel. Guys, just don’t try taking a girl you like there, the end will be disastrous! (a bit of T.M.I; ultimate restaurant in Danfodio is the best of the cafeteria restaurants, make sure you check it out sometime.) Average plate of Rice + Plantain + Salad + Coke = N270 If you’re anti-establishment or trying to dodge your controlling ex boyfriend (that happens to me a lot) then you should check out one of the out of the way bistros we have scattered around school. I picked the best possible three. SHAAZI This is the out of the way restaurant for the guy/girl missing home. The setting is homey with clean tablecloths and plastic flowers over tables and DIY decorations everywhere. Tucked in a corner of social center, you’d probably pass right by it and not notice. The food here is heavenly because it tastes just like home cooked food. The stews are rich and well seasoned and the rice is soft and fluffy. When you add the spacious environment to the good food and the fact that the place is unassuming, what you get is a date worthy restaurant. There are some things that just piss me off about Shaazi though; the place has really bad service. Most times you could sit in the empty restaurant for half an hour before you are attended to. All the staff move in slow motion. And despite how homely their food tastes, they serve it like you begged for your food instead of paying for it and they never have a good variety of food or drinks. My advice, when going to eat in Shaazi, make sure you bring a novel or some alternative form of entertainment, it’s going to be a long wait. Average plate of rice + coke = N300 KIL RESTAURANT I know this restaurant has a name and I’ve seen the posters all around school but I’ve never gone there. Care to know why? It is situated INSIDE the library. Any restaurant where I have to show identification to get into is automatically deleted from my to-do list, I’m paranoid like that. In the event that something catastrophic eventually pushes me into the library; think big, maybe like a tsunami in Kaduna,(it’s not that I’m afraid of Tsunamis, I just won’t get my hair wet for no reason) I’ll check it out. For what it’s worth, people who ‘live’ in the library don’t have to worry about going out eat anymore. (someone should please help me out with their prices, merci.) SWALLOW Swallow is the nickname for the restaurants who serve African dishes at community market. Like a biological ecosystem, Swallow serves an important function. If not for that place, rice would have probably sprouted from my head by now. So its first pro, is that it serves real food, all the important kinds; eba, pounded yam, amala, akpu and semovita and they serve goat meat which is much welcomed after all the beef we have to stomach. Even better, the place has bukateria vibes and the food is just a step below home cooked food. Whenever I go there, I wash my hands, push my books far far away and scatter ground. Best of all, the place is very VERY affordable. Trust Swallow they don’t dull when it comes to the bad stuff. Top of the list is the staff, they gossip like hell and they don’t even bother to hide it when they’re gossiping about you. Then the place has bukateria vibes, so while you might enjoy your food while eating there, don’t entertain any thoughts of bringing any girl you have any kind of interest in there, definitely not date worthy. But guys can always bring a few of their ‘department girls’ and bond over vegetable soup. Average plate of Pounded yam + goat meat + coke = N210 I won’t forget to mention the mai shayi joint at community market and the kosai and koko joints at community market and Dan.fodio gate who provide sharp-sharp meals. I can’t begin to tell you how many times they’ve saved my ass because I woke up late for class. If you can stomach the environment in which the food is made and are not a bigst boy or girl, they are a fun addition to your food timetable. Eating out in ABU is survivable if you know where to go and what to avoid. Part two will cover eating outside ABU. Keep you posted.